Unpredictability……

Well Hello, it’s been a while hasn’t it??!!

I’m on an enforced rest period, so I thought why not. I've been thinking about it for sometime, but life always seems so damn busy, always something to do, somewhere to be, I could never find the time. And now…. I feel I need an outlet, especially being laid up. A place to escape, to get lost in my thoughts, my dreams, my feelings. To pen them. And if I can’t find the time now, whilst I’m not on my feet, well then I never will. I need this for me, for my soul. It's what I need it right now.

A lot has happened since I last wrote (understatement), but I've decided not to go linear. No no no. Let’s mix it up…...

So, I want to write / express how I’m feeling right now, which is currently ...discontentment, like I’m treading water in all aspects of my life. Why? Million dollar question isn’t it.

Mostly work, my career. I finished my last event in February and have struggled to get work since. That’s a massive part of why I’m feeling the way I am. Confidence knocked - check. Self esteem dwindling - check. Questioning my ability - check. Bored - check. Feeling worthless - check. Check check check bloody check.

Strange isn’t it, when I have so much in my life that I feel I’m defined by my work, by having the next job. And it’s not through a lack of trying. Can’t tell you have many companies I’ve written to, jobs applied for. I’ve had a few rejections but mostly it’s radio silence (RUDE!). I know I have a great CV, a fantastic career history and more than capable of the roles I’ve applied for, but still nothing. And why oh why do companies feel the need to ask such things as “what 3 words describe you”? WHAT? REALLY? Ummm don’t you wanna know what I’ve delivered, what experience I have? Will these 3 words do “F*** RIGHT OFF”…..obvs I didn’t say that but it was mighty tempting.  

I like working, LOVE what I do. I enjoy having a break in between jobs, almost need it. Live events are really hard work, the hours are brutal and you don’t switch off until it’s all over. And by that I mean when the venue is cleared and you shut the door behind you. 

I’ve worked pretty much constantly since I was 16, so when I don’t have another job lined up or like now, I’m struggling to find one I sort of feel untethered, adrift somehow. And without knowing when I’m next going to work, I feel like I can never quite enjoy my time off. I feel guilty about it. 

But what to do? I suppose I could take a permanent role, rather than have the unpredictability of freelancing but I’d hate that. I know in my bones that I don’t want a permanent role. If I’d taken a permanent role when I changed careers, I wouldn't have had the joy of working on so many varied events. Meeting so many lovely people who have taught me so much. I like the variety I’ve had, in fact I LOVE it and the opportunities that have come my way. Even when I’ve been scared shitless about them. 

I don’t know what the answer. Perhaps it's the universe telling me something, guiding me somewhere I cannot yet see. 'What’s for you won’t go by you' - I believe in that but at times it’s hard. The unpredictably can be shitty. It can also be joyous and fun. And now, aren’t we always trying to be the ‘best’ version of ourselves. Giving ourselves an upgrade, making our lives better, constantly trying to improve. 

But as I sit here, on day 4 of my rehabilitation (God it feels so much longer), with my two pooches, the 3 of us all tucked up in one chair (how do they manage to squeeze into such small spaces!)…..I wonder, shouldn’t it be ok to tread water for a bit. Not to know where you’re going or what you’re gonna do next. We shouldn’t constantly have to be the next best version of ourselves - should we? 

And age….yep that’s another huge factor. I’m a women of a certain age going through perimenopause and it’s really bloody difficult at times. The up and downness. The anxiety, the feeling that perhaps I'm past it. The realisation that you’ve probably got less time in front of you than is now behind you. The realisation that you know start to - lose your loved ones, your flexibility, your assuredness, the ideas you had about yourself, where you’d be, how much Prosecco you can handle! Instead of impromptu nights out, weddings and christenings, it’s now afternoon tea, retirement parties and funerals - how did that happen? 

Really what I should be feeling is proud and grateful. Proud that I had the balls to build myself another career. Proud that to date it’s been pretty successful. Proud I’ve taken opportunities when I’ve been scared. Grateful that I have support, that it’s not the end of the world financially if I’m not working. Grateful I have a fantastic support network in the shape of my family and friends. And even grateful that I’ve been given some time to really rest and reflect. To be able to sit down and read. To catch up on some of my ever growing watch lists (just finished Halston - LOVED it and almost finished season 1 of The Morning Show - FAB). Admittedly I’d rather not have a broken ankle, but I’ve always been a glass half full kinda gal, and that’s what I’m gonna try to embrace now….all be it with undertones of discontentment and raging hormones. Sofor now, well today at least, I’m gonna try and lean into the ebb and flow of it all. Because really, what else can I do when I’m hobbling about on crutches.