Lately I’ve veered between the two. Is it just me or does it feel like everything’s been ramped up a notch, the volumes been whacked right up? I’m sure it just feels like that after almost a year of doing pretty much nothing, sending so much time at home….you need to find your rhythm and groove again with it all don’t you?
Ramped Up....
So since life, especially on the work front, is now 100 miles an hour, I’ve found myself veering between perfectionism to……really ragged around the edges. Trying to let nothing slip, keeping on top of absolutely EVERYTHING. For those that know me well, they know I like everything to be just so….. a tidy house, up to date with all my chores, on top of all the house admin, the garden and veg patches looking tidy, lush and beautiful, working on my business ideas, saying to yes whatever whenever I’m asked. Crumbs it makes me feel tired just writing it.
But why am I striving for perfectionism, trying to do it all, putting myself under that pressure? Why do we do it to ourselves? So, I’ve had to let go of things, which has been hard for me…. but it’s had to stop. I’m making myself worn out, ragged, frazzled, knackered, cranky…and it’s not fair on Mr R, he’s been in the firing line a few times…..just because you do that to those closest to you don’t you?
So I’ve had to accept it’s just not possible to fire on all cylinders 100% of the time. It’s alright to embrace the raggedness, to feel frustrated and it’s alright to say I can’t do it all…. and I’ve found by doing that, my shoulders feel a little bit lighter. Who cares if my ironing pile is like the leaning tower of pisa? Does it matter if my paperwork is being filed on the kitchen side right now? Who’s judging if, when the suns shining brightly you can see the dust on my windowsills...good job we've had loads of dull days then! So I’m learning to embrace it, to go with it, to do what I can to the best of my ability and that just has to enough.
So right now I’m finding this glorious journey hard. Starting work really early, finishing late at night, the constant juggling of it all, but it feels right, exhausting but right. It feels like it’s all part of the process I’m meant to go through. A week or two ago, when I was really really tired and having a bit of a rubbish day, I wondered if it was all worth it….and then I saw a rainbow. A full-on arch of a rainbow…… a sign surely??!!
But fear not, in the background my ideas and dreams are being fed and watered. I’ve been quite successful with my salad and veg growing so far, it was touch and go with the nasturtiums at one point, but it looks like there’re gonna make it. And I think I was perhaps a bit too keen to get my seedlings in the ground (well really were any of us expecting frost at the end of April) so it was survival of the fitness out there for a few weeks. But those seedlings have inherited my will to survive and they are starting to grow – hurrah! Although very sad news on the cucumber front. I just don’t know what happened….they were doing beautifully in their tray, growing big and strong and healthy…..and then I started to acclimatise them, moving then outside during the day, bringing them back in early evening, it was all going so well. And then one morning I come down and bam, they are all limp and lifeless, every single one of them. Mr R swears he had nothing to do with it. I know I’m learning with the whole growing from seed thing, but I just don't know where I went wrong with them. Mr R’s thoughts on the matter … it’s nature, get used to it!
And we’ve had a few nice little surprises lately, discovering fresh horse radish and wild garlic growing in the garden……
And my vision board is growing and expanding…..I’ve so many ideas now of how I can utilise what we have and our surroundings to start a little venture. Hey isn’t that a turn around since one of my earlier blogs when I thought the world had ended as glamping was a no goer??!! My outlook has changed so much over the past few months. I’m looking at everything and I do mean everything with fresh eyes… always thinking how can I use this or that, or seeing something and thinking I could do that or putting a twist on it…. ah the power of your dreams and imagination!
All I need right now is more time! Give me just a little more time…..
And as I write this, we are literally days away from the 17th May and the further easing of restrictions. It’s been lovely being able to meet up outside again, although the weather could have been a bit kinder to us. But this easing seems so monumental doesn’t it…..being able to sit indoors and have a meal, a drink, a coffee. Hotels, museums, pubs, indoor exercise classes - I’m longing to get back to my yoga classes, theatres - yay the joy of live musicals and cinemas…… oh how I have missed you. I’m soooo looking forward to trying the little picture house near us, a little G&T whilst watching a film….joy of joys. To me, it feels celebratory, jubilant, glorious…..
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